Freedom and how we may best honor it

Welcome to the land of the free.  We are free to live our lives as we please.  Free to build a life, a monument, a home.  Free to roam and wander, even down destructive allies, and unfortunately free to harm and be hurt.  This is our freedom.  It is precious.  In this essay I ask the question, "How best may we honor those who, knowingly or unknowingly, gave their all for it?"

During the fourth of July, I discussed with my mother what it meant to be patriotic.  Kurt Vonnegut in his book cat's cradle has a character, a US diplomat, who gives a speech honoring the hundred martyrs of the republic.  They are one hundred men from the fictitious country of San Lorenzo who died in harbor on the way to fight with the Americans in WWII.  The diplomat says that these men were but children, and that he lost his son in the war and thus he sees all the victims as of war as children.  He does not question the necessity of war nor discuss the politics and complexities of the war but simply underlines the tragedy that so many children should die.  And he asks a question of how to best honor these martyrs. "I do not mean to be ungrateful for the fine, martial show we are about to see, and hooray say I for thrilling shows.  But if today is really in honor of a hundred children murdered in war, is today a day for thrilling shows?"

I love freedom, and I love the ability I have to express myself and as such I will not simply parade it once a year and love it for its fireworks.  Rather I hold it to myself contemplate it and fertilize it so that it may grow.  I don't want a U.S.A. that is going to go out and "Kick some ass!"  I want a land of peace and opportunity that is conscious of the steep price we have to pay to enjoy the liberties we have.

The price is not measured in money, obviously, labor, or even in men.  It is measured in two things, children and love.  First the children.  Children who are imperfect whose lives are cut short in time or in opportunity due to the abuses in freedom that exist today.  During the fourth I couldn't find the words to express this.  Now I feel like I can.  Last night, children died and they will never come back.

It was brutal, it was disgusting, my sentiments become primal thinking of a world that could engender such a demon.  Yet that is where we are.  I don't know why we are there.  I don't know how it could happen, but if we are going to love a nation, love a community, love our world, let it come from this, that the children did not die in vain.  Whether they be military, or civilian, let's not have them die for a chest pounding, primal, boast that our nation is the greatest.  Instead let us reflect upon the gravity of death.  Stare it in the eyes and tell it what we think of him:

   We abhor you.  Others will take you as prostitute and try and reap the benefits of your destructive wake.

   We will not deal with you for any deal we traffic will be paid in double with our own children.  What others    

   do will not change how we feel about you.  You may invade every other part of my life but you will never

   shake my hand or touch my soul.  

   Yet we do not fear you.  We will stand firm against those who wish to inflict death upon us.  We will not

   do so by playing your games, but as your arm rises to strike us, we will stand in faith ready to

   give or take the blow, however God sees fit.  If the opportunity to protect ourselves and our loved ones is

   given we will take it, though not in hatred of you, but in love of them.  We have no room for hate.  We

   have enough problems on our own.

This is my pledge of allegiance.  This is my patriotism.  I know the world is imperfect but I will not let change who I am or what is right.  I will not take to the streets and cry for revolution or destruction of any establishments.  That would dirty the sacred sacrifice that others have made for me by using it to propagate my personal views, and perhaps even add to the flame of hatred that consumed them.  But I will listen to the children's ghosts.  I don't know as much about death as they do, but from them I know enough.

Along with our just admiration of a grand society, let us not forget that death always looks control our minds so that he may tear it apart.  Let us recognize that it is the repulsion of death not our familiarity with it that makes a society great.  Let us critically examine the actions of our leaders, so that they do not introduce us and have us shake that withered hand.  Let us honor our troops.  I am grateful for troops who will face death and tell him we will not let him be our slave master.  Let us pray that they do so for love of other children and not hatred towards the enemy.  

I am not ignorant or delusional and for your sacrifices I will honor and respect you.  But I will honor you not with guns and bravado but with solemn reverence, forever hoping the spear will be a pruning hook soon enough.  Let us remember those, who met him unexpectedly, as death yanked at the loose ends, trying to tear apart the nation that will stand against it.

There are other freedoms, but the right to life is the most fundamental of all.  Perhaps this is puritan of me to say but I for one will run from its appearance.  Death is omnipresent enough without letting him in.  A weapon that can mow down a line of children or a classroom of troops.  I won't handle it unnecessarily.  A movie that excessively trivializes the greatest sacrifices of man, or worse a video game that allows me to simulate the hand of death myself.  I won't participate.  I will not engender hostility towards any group no matter how much they pledge to destroy me.  It won't protect me.  If this seems excessive, I will refrain from imposing but will enjoy my liberty to indulge.

I will not simply avoid however to add to our freedom.  I know what I can avoid for my country, but what can I do for my country? I will love.

The principle price we pay for our society, even before the children, is love.  Montesquieu wrote that a republic is constantly in danger of destroying itself for there needs to be a general virtue for it to survive.  The freak yet tragic events of yesterday saddens me put also reminds me of the virtue that generally governs the average citizen.  We may bicker but when up against the wall the grand majority love their fellow man.  More than any other gun this love holds up our freedom.

If the children can give their life for freedom.  I can as well through love.  I can smile at everyone I see and search to build them up in their moments of want and need.  I can give the beggar as my means allow.  I don't know how he'll use it, but he will know I loved him.  I will let myself be had if my brother needs what I have.  I will love my family, now and forever.  Whatever the price, I will love.

One Love

There are two songs in my life named 'One Love'  The first is the well known Bob Marley song.  The next is by Nas.  The two songs couldn't be more opposed in terms of content and message.  Marley uses the term to express that the world needs to come together while Nas uses the term almost in a mocking response to Marley's song telling stories of hood life and the terror that reigns in his life with his one love, that is the hood.

It is interesting how the same seed can grow into such opposite results.  It is so easy for life to become twisted and take on a meaning diametrically opposed to the direction one thought it was going.  From triumph to despair to victory to resignation, from euphoria to melancholy.  My life and desires are such that this seed of 'One Love' represents well the growth in my life.

The first week of July is an excellent example.  It started on Tuesday.  I was slightly down as my family was supposed to be getting in later that night but they had postponed.  My spirits were lifted as I was able to find myself with Michael and Nich and Brantly at the Cresty playing volleyball as the sky dimmed into a light blue summer hue.  It was a moment of peace and everything seemed right in the world.  It seemed as if there wasn't a care in the world.  The next day was free of classes and my work was not to be resumed until Thursday.

Wednesday was the same.  I had a BBQ with family and friends, including my immediate family who got in town late Tuesday night.  The highlight for me was watching my cousin's child Jace as he ran around head with his usual expression, head cocked slightly off-center.  He floated around the pool yelling to anyone who would listen.  "Look at me I can swim like this... (Leaning slightly forward on his floaties) or this! (Now leaning slightly back)"  It was quite the feat.  In the night we watched the Beach Boys groove and the Stadium of Fire burn.  I love fireworks but I couldn't help be fret about the days to come as the holiday came towards a close and duty I feel ready to fall back on my shoulders.

I really shouldn't let it pressure me.  I just  feel like I have so much opportunity placed before me that can't short my potential.  To do so would be a personal failing but also a let down to society.  Hubris may be getting the better of me but I know that I have a lot talents to offer.  Prideful or not, I recognize fully that these talents are all gifts from outside sources not of my own creation.  With this in mind I often think that I would hate bury in the earth the talent entrusted to me.  This is Marley's 'One Love'.  It is the idealist in me who refuses to compromise good that could come to fruition.  I feel that I can and have a need to propagate something of meaning to the world and am willing to swim the fiery current of Phlegethon to get there.

Phlegethon is the contrast of the weighty yet idealistic view described above.  Phlegethon is one of the Greek rivers that leads to the underworld.  It is a river of flames that consumes those immersed within.  In Dante's inferno it is the circle of hell reserved for the wrathful.  In my eyes I feel like it is the circle for those who get so wrapped up in their own vision they lose perspective of the what is going on around them.  This is Nas's 'One Love'.  He, or the hoodlum to whom he gives voice, is so consumed by the hood existence that is his one love that he fails to capture the inferno that surrounds that love.

And so there I am in life swimming towards the quixotic paradise that I wish to take part in building.  My head bobbing up and down caught between a beautiful vision and a consuming reality. When people ask me what I want to do I rarely tell them what it is.  I want more than anything to change the world for the better.  I want people to quietly tell my grandchildren, "Your grandfather was a man that refused to close his eyes and ears so far as the world was imperfect." That is what they tell me about my grandfather.  I want to be that like that.  See the world with 'One Love'.

And yet the sloshing Phlegethon seems to rule my life at times.  I have to stop and ask myself sometimes, 'Am I running the race to get to the finish or to prove that I can handle the grind?'  Life was not meant to be easy for anyone but I seek the challenge, even unnecessarily, because I want to prove I can.  I take the uphill routes, the longer paths, and force the drum beat to steadily quicken as I move along.  If I'm not careful, I become enveloped in the fire of it all.  I develop an egotistical vision of glory, admiring the successes I have.  At the same time, I crave more, while driving away the BBQ's, volleyball games, and the happiness that I find in those moments.  I leave their sweet comfort to chase my own greatness, my mistress, my 'One Love'. 

The rest of the week after the fourth sees me swing between these two conflicting views of life I experience.  I allow myself to be consumed by optics long enough to pose a monument to my brilliance in the test I take Thursday.  Of course this can lead to an altruistic end, but the motivation was limited to me being the best because I want to be the best.  The reward after doing well was about as meaningful as the motive.

On the flip side I spent time with family during our reunion.  The most meaningful moment was opening up letters that we had written to ourselves ten years ago, including a letter from the aforementioned grandfather. He loved chocolate and along with his note enclosed a See's candy (doesn't that seem like something ridiculous that I would do?) reminding us that while good things are to be enjoyed, that should not be indulged.  Individual success may be my chocolate.  Along with that particularly special moment, evenings were spent playing games together and chatting brought out feelings of love and joy I had earlier in the week.  These lifted me from a selfish grind to my higher vision.  In my shining moments like those I want two things.  To live in that world and do all that I can to allow others do the same. That is my definition of 'One Love'.

Peace, Love, and 'Let's get together and feel alright'

Zen Achieved

We'll keep this one short and sweet.  No deep thoughts just facts.  In order to achieve that we'll go to list form.  Underlying theme.  This weekend I re-entered a state of zen.  See Philo of life for more details

1) Went on camp out with the ward.  Did nothing all night and loved it.

Nothing deserves clarification so I break list form for a moment.  Story time:  Year and a half ago I got the worst test grade of my life.  I was shocked and felt awful.  It shook my world to work hard yet not achieve, it bruised my ego.  This is something more mature people are more comfortable with but it was hard for me.  That night I went out with a girl I really liked, it had been several dates.  As we left she asked how I was doing and I mentioned the test.  She said, "Who cares?" and in that moment I realized, I didn't.  She had helped me to be content despite my not living up to my inflated expectations.  Since then that is the ideal I search for, in girls but also in life.  To do things with the right people that make me happy no matter what the outcome.  So even if the outcome is fruitless, whether by failed attempts or simply because nothing happened, I am happy.  I ended up getting a 4.0 that semester.  That was also the last time I went out with her.  I would've flipped the achievements any day but alas that is not the way life works.

2) Country roads... Take me home... To the place... Where I belong!!! (Bad singing with good friends in the car)

3) Went biking in the morning.  I saw beautiful things.  I got a good workout.  I took artistic pictures.  I met and faced physical and technical challenges

4) I came home and cleaned/reorganized.  Room and car seem fresher.

5) Went out with a girl for the first time (First time with the girl not first time to go out).  Went to the Springville museum and played art bingo.  I found out that naming art is harder than it looks.  It was a lovely time and she was a lot of fun.  Then we got Jamba.  It's been too long since I've had Jamba.

6) Went to the temple.  Thought about what I want to do in the near future.  Decided I need to love myself more. Well less narcissistic, I decided it is healthy to admire our talents and growth as we progress.

7) Got intercepted by friends and went to the malt shop.  They made me happy.  I think I made people happy.  It worked out well.

8) Rather than push my luck I went to bed in being happy.

Somewhere in all that I realized how wonderful life is and got my zen on.  If you want to understand what that means please refer to the previous post.  Otherwise, know that I'm good and ready to step forward again.

Peace, Love, and Zen Achieved.

Life Cycles

So here's where the title of the blog comes into play.  It takes a little while sometimes but my life tends to travel in a cycle.  This statement may seem to cast my life in a negative light.  As if I see my life as some sort of groundhog day experience where no matter how I live I end up at the same point.  Couldn't be further from the truth.  As I expressed in my hypothetical twitter account @irvingwash: "Life is like a bike, you are going in circles but forward at the same time.  @irvingwash."  For those of you wondering who is Washington Irving, just know the US army is right there with you #Catch_22.  

Actually this I just created this twitter account for myself it is no longer hypothetical.
Pro: I can know the opinions of NBA players and Kanye West
Con: I kind of feel like I'm a tool of the system even if my address is literary
Pro: Now I can use hashtags in their natural environment.  Also any thoughts worth thinking ought to be boiled down to 160 characters or less.  Preferably tweeted by a moody celebrity 
Con: I don't have an audience
Pro: I already have one follower
Con:  I have no idea who it is.
Pro: She has really good looking legs.
Con: Combine previous con and pro.  I think I'll block her.  I'd be flattered except my picture is of a toaster.  Maybe she just wants to butter me up.

Anyways now that I've created a twitter account to share my brilliant one liners with long legged women before I block them.  Just to reassure my mother who is reading this, I don't talk to strangers still.

As I was saying.  My life tends to travel in cycles.  Fitting cause yesterday I went on a bike ride up at Alta ski resort.  I loved it.  As I was out on my own riding up and down getting that combination of adrenaline and endorphins, I realized that I was having a moment of zen.  A moment where all was coming together.  It was a completion of my latest round of zen, motivation, scramble, and decomposition.  

Zen is a state when you feel completely happy with who you are and where you are going.  It is not to say that you are not happy at other times but rather zen is in the culmination of other moments.  It is a balance between achievement and acceptance.  It is not a stationary state however but one that requires movement forward experiencing new things.  The last state of zen I had was at some point on the West Coast Baseball Tour, I had previously gotten through a successful semester and was surrounded by people I cared about experiencing new things.

This edenic state though isn't meant to last but rather to act as a spring board.  As we move forward we take on new challenges.  Zen morphs to motivation in which we challenge ourselves and move forward.  Motivation is all about decisions, and doing that which is out of our comfort zone.  We identify needs and try to meet them.  Coming off the baseball tour I had hurdles to meet.  The motivation phase was a brief yet necessary moment where one decides to hold through the scramble to come

And the scramble is what ultimately follows.  Challenges are not simply met and achieved.  In stepping forward one is inevitably thrust into new ground.  The scramble isn't simply a question of will.  I have a strong will I like to think but there is so much more.  The ability to accept failure, lean on others, find joy in little things.  Life isn't easy during this period but it isn't inherently unhappy either.  See my first blog post for a good example of the scramble.

Next is decomposition.  Going home was the most recent moment of decomposition for me.  When one gains or forces the luxury to take a breather decomposition occurs.  This is natural process.  I didn't blog about that moment because it is a moment when things that are naturally important boil to the top from the previous displacement of the scramble.  For me I discovered how much my family means to me.  In this moment I made an effort, without conscious thought, to strengthen my ties with my parents, my brother and sister.  I thought about where I wanted to go in life, and how I could get there.  I took the time necessary to recover from the energy fretted away as I worked before.  It isn't all deep though, there is joy in the frivolous as well.  Example:  I watched the NBA playoffs and loved it.  I was laying the foundation for the next moment of zen.

I can have moments of each phase in each.  I definitely felt zen as I sat around the dinner table back home.  I scrambled as I came home and tried to find my balance with classes starting again.  But all in all I can generally group large segments of time in these phases.  There is also a fifth phase called funk.  That is the bad funk not the good funk.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Well that's the philosophy ground work...  I realize more and more that this blog is a compilation of how I think and feel rather than a news feed.  It is probably boring off anyone who reads it but that is okay, I'm not sure anyone will bother to read to this point as is, except Mom.  I love you mom!  If someone else made it this far I think highly of you as well.  But at the end of the day, I write it for myself.  The next entry will be a little less spacey and chronic (@Dr. Dre) and a little more chronological.  Until then the Nate Billings @bbillinassociat tweets "Is/could electricity be a form of gravity?" I'm already in love with twitter,

Peace love, and chasing zen

Reading others mail is a crime....

Here is a letter I wrote a missionary.  I liked it so much I thought I'd post it.

Writing missionaries is always so hard.  Do I talk about spiritual things?  Do I offer something that you don’t get in your missionary life?  Do I talk about my life?  Maybe I’ll just talk to you about physics.  If there is one thing in life I know well it is physics, which is how we met in the first place.  You asked for help on your homework, and then you needed to use the internet, but it was out at our place as well.  So I introduced you to Mitch, Nich, and Mike and they introduced you to Rebecca Black.  I remember being slightly embarrassed and talked to them about being more presentable when I bring girls over.  Jokingly of course… yet not at the same time.

Back to physics.  Today I learned about Fresnel coefficients, but they are pronounced without the “s”.  They are a big mess of equations that tell us how light reflects and transmits.  They are ugly, hard to work with, slightly unintuitive but strangely enough they do a good job of explaining how light passes through glass, such as a stained glass window.  Do you see those much in Ireland?  It is interesting how something so elegant and simple can be so hard to grasp.  And even then the model breaks down quite easily.  Light isn’t something that can be easily picked apart and understood, despite our best efforts.  And even if we could explain it completely it can’t be appreciated from this view, the end result is a lot of unfulfilling work and a head ache.  One may know more about light from Fresnel (Don’t forget the “s” is silent) coefficients, but it is much more worthwhile to go outside and feel the light.  There is value in knowledge but that cannot replace feeling the light.

It is fitting that light is often associated with truth.  We often think of the truth as being clear and straight forward.  Of course even the simplest of truths have been dissected and reconstructed in models that only work under certain conditions.  One would hope that when the truth is presented that it would be recognized but sometimes it fails to take grasp.  Among the classes I take now I also sit in on Chem 105 to learn some basic chemistry for grad school.  It is funny to see the teacher talk about atomic structure, something we learn in physics, and see the faces of the people who are learning it for the first time.  The truth is sometimes, such as this case, far from eloquent.  Sometimes truth is very eloquent but sometimes not.  We need to toss away what we know and even what we know we can know to accept some truths.    Some truth is so bizarre that we never can really know it, we just get used to it.  Perhaps a better way to say that last sentence is there is value in learning the truth but that cannot replace accepting the truth.

Well I’m sorry to have gone on about such a boring subject as physics.  I’d have to imagine that there is zero to no relevance to your life.  You’ll have to forgive my rambling, yesterday was a long day and I’m tired today.  I enjoy writing other people though.  I feel like I’m more honest with other people than I am myself.  I don’t have much to be honest about but at least I know that I’m not hiding anything.

For the record everything is going well.  Classes, research, running, all the above.  I’m really good at doing the things I’m good at.  It’s the more challenging things where I get hung up now and then.  I try not to get frustrated with those things.  I’m not perfect, but I’m getting good at that too.  Now I just get disappointed.  That is a good thing, to feel a longing for something better and be disappointed not to having that thing, so long as that longing doesn’t detract from the very thing we want to have.  Or want to be.

This letter is getting a little long.  I have a tendency to dominate conversations.  I’d have to imagine that the length of this letter may be a bit much.  If sister missionaries are anything like brother missionaries your companion has already or will ask you soon, “Well who is that from?” and you’ll say “Just a friend,” to which she will say in a deeper teasing voice as a wide grin spreads across her face, “That’s a friend with an awful lot to say...” or something of the sort.  Just tell your companion that I’ve spent over half the letter talking about physics.  Nothing kills a conversation like physics.  I suppose that is why I’m talking about it with you.  You can’t walk away from me, or at least if you do I won’t know any better.

That being said I’m running out of steam.  You’re a wonderful person and are doing great things.  If you don’t get back for a while don’t feel bad.  The only person I wrote besides my family by the end of my mission was Taylor now and then.  And that was mostly to keep from going sane.  Most of our letters ended with some sort of schematic of what our apartment after the mission would look like.  We fought over whether to get a rounded couch or not and I asserted several times that I didn’t like bean bags.  We never did have a rounded couch, and he’ll take his bean bag with him next year.  We never had a fire pole that landed in a hot tub either.  But despite the lack of what we anticipated, our lives are furnished with memories, from Taylor and others as well.   In my house I have a painted sheet on the wall, some skis in the corner, and a picture of a tired bear that I bought in Park City.  On that note keep up the Lord’s work and know that we are all rooting for you.

Peace, love, and I better stop before I get sidetracked again,

Eric 

The Analytics of Life

Advanced statistics have changed the way we watch and evaluate sports.  Everyone by now knows about sabermetrics and Moneyball.  Stats don't mechanize play so much as increase the drama, at least for me.  When you see Lebron make the weak side cut, your attention perks knowing that those plays have the highest field-goal percentage of any play that can be run.  Another case is how your heart and head are torn as you see an isolation play unfold and hot (or not) players defy the otherwise low percentages of iso plays.

As I was walking home today following the Yankees'/Brave's game on my phone, filled with all kinds of useful sabermetrics, I thought to myself, "How could I best measure my life?"  What are the advanced statistics that govern my day to day?  If Synergy Sports were to evaluate my day to day what numbers would be brought up.  How could I improve my life?  This isn't a far stretch from the classic guy getting to second base with his girlfriend, though I hope to have a less virile approach.

Before deciding how to measure one has to decide what the objectives are.  What things are equivalent to points if you will in my life.  Unlike sports, life is multi-dimensional and so there has to be a division among life's facets.  For me I'll break it up into work, play, and relations.  Work is anything that can be seen as an investment in the future, play is anything meant to relieve in the moment, and relations is anything that involves others.  The titles aren't perfect.  For example if I go on a run, a common activity, it overlaps in work, keeps me in shape, and play, relieves in the moment,  But I do it mostly for the moment so I would weight it accordingly.

Within each category we'll define an 'op' as an opportunity to advance in one of the three areas.  The first statistic of interest would be an 'op' distribution.  For example my 'op' distribution right now is probably a 43 work 37 play 20 relations.  Right now my life is relatively heavy on work and maybe a tad on the play.  I'm just in a zone right now where I don't step out of my well carved rut of studying and going home and doing things for instant relief.  Even the activities that dip into relations weight heavier in play, for example to answer Nich's question of "Why is Eric always here?" It is mostly to be entertained (Not exclusively by the NBA but that doesn't hurt).  The 'op's in relations are much less in my comfortable man cave but fun is to be had.  I have more fun as I know the guys better and can interact with them more but our relations are pretty well established.  I could stretch out and find those I don't know as well but could entertain me which would contribute to more op's, but that isn't necessarily ideal.  Just as going 6-17 for 25 is different than 6-12 for 25 there is a completion percentage to life as well.

Going back to the man cave situation, though stepping out would lead to more 'op's I would not necessarily be happier doing so.  The fulfillment or 'ful' percentage is much higher in the man cave.  I know what I'm expecting and know inevitably that I will find myself belting out a cover of Parachute, Coldplay, Fun, or another from the MMNB (Mike, Mitch, Nich, Brantly) band.  The alternative would be to step outside the box and go to another new friend's place to hang out.  This may lead to more 'op's but the risk is to find yourself sitting on the coach on leg on top of the other trying to understand yet lost in a litany of unfamiliar jokes and dynamics.  that will kill your 'op' percentage as so many are left unfulfilled.

Currently I may be playing my life a little too much like Tyson Chandler.  I'm efficient in what I do but due to the limited fields on which I play (Bensen, Eyring, Strat 306, and James 27) I may be limiting my 'op's to a point where I can't make the impact I could if I had a few more.  Yesterday for example I took a different approach and rather than go on a run or watch the entirety of OKC Miami, I went and played with little kids for a little while.  How often do you play with young kids as a college student?  My 'op's were way above average yesterday and while I may have struck out with a few kids, (Not a single one wanted to play with a ball!  Can you believe that!  Signs of the times.) it was worth it.  I came out much more fulfilled than I would've otherwise.  Mostly since my 'op' distribution took a dramatic shift to a .350 .250 .400 (Convention lists numbers as a Work/Play/Relations).  Getting a new co-worker helped but my the main difference was playing with kids.  I was rusty in the relation box so my 'ful' distribution came out close to a .375 .250 .375 spread.  That is a nice change of pace for me.  My total 'ful's were probably a 110 yesterday.  I'll set the standard at 100 meaning an average day at this point in my life.  The overall goal is to have long term even distribution and as many 'ful's as I can have.  That means that stepping out had a FAR ('ful's above replacement) of around ten.  Meaning I was twice as fulfilled those activities as I would have been simply sticking to the routine.

In short this is just a goofy way of me saying that it pays to step outside the bounds now and then and balance ones life.  Going away and coming back has a way of making you evaluate what you really want and need in life.  I like the numbers will probably list them in blogs to come if for no other reason than for me to track how I feel.  And as always, love, peace, and a high 'ful' total.  

Government Labs

                There are certain truths that hold throughout the eternities, they are related to the gospel.  Then there are lesser truths that only hold in this life, they are related to government.  Taxes, inefficiency, and indifference.  Alright I may be a little harsh.

                This last week I went to Oak Ridge National Lab to conduct a diffraction experiment.  I have never done anything that was so simultaneously exciting and boring.  I stood literally fifty meters from a proton beam that collided with mercury in order to cause a nuclear reaction releasing neutrons.  Then the neutrons travelled down a corridor and collided with a sample that I personally made and depending on how the neutron beam diffracted we could determine where atoms were in a sample.  This is all really cool except that I spent nearly the whole time sitting in a relatively uncomfortable chair looking at a computer screen and not understanding most of what was said or decided between my research professor and the beam scientists.  I met some nice people though, got a better understanding of what I want to do for a career, and mostly just got a neat opportunity to travel and see new things.

               There are layers and layers of bureaucracy and I can say with confidence that I don’t want to work in national laboratory.  The tip of the bureaucratic iceberg that I had to deal with was all the safety training we had to go through.  In march I was sent a series of training videos and instructions on how to not go into dangerous areas and how to deal with emergency situations at the ORNL.  A brief summary is as such:  We have done a really good job of idiot proofing this place, and you shouldn't be able to accidentally screw this up.  If you do however, remember to report this to one of the many acronymed organizations we have set up in order to respond to your slip-up.  If memory serves, I was to report to DMC if I messed up, who was in charge of making sure the SEC didn't run afoul leaving LMFAO to deal with the WWE all by themselves.  Good thing nothing ever went afoul...  One sure fact I did retain though was being an unmarried male reduces your life span on average more than even smoking.  Oh the dangers of being a nerd.  Also, why haven't General Authorities found and exploited this study?  Don't just guilt me with my single status but throw some cold hard facts at me!  Let me know that everyday in which I have not taken a girl out I may as well have smoked a pack!  (Sidenote 1: For the record I have no idea how this study was conducted and am most certainly extrapolating significantly in my analysis, TV news here I come...)  (Sidenote 2: They told us this to show how low on the list working in a nuclear facility was in terms of shortened lifespan.  It was somewhere between staring into the sun during a solar eclipse and eating black watermelon seeds.)
                Upon arriving we had to undergo further safety training.  The synopsis was... We have never had an accident.  If we were to have one it would be unprecedented so come and find us because we are ready, though we've never had an accident.  You got more radiation on the airplane ride over then you will most likely will here, but if you do have a problem or set off an alarm let us know because we are ready and have never had an accident.  But if you do set off an alarm you don't necessarily have to worry because we have sensitive alarms who will pick up less radiation than you had on the air ride over which is more than the exposure you will have here and just so you know we have never had an accident.  The training was about an hour like that.  I feel like safety training is one giant chiasmus (Yes I did have to google that to know how it was spelled).
                 The lab was superb and shiny new, supposedly the research scientists are not happy with the funds allocated to the beams itself and the builders making poor decisions/cutting corners, but the buildings and cafeteria etc. were really nice.  I think that the priorities should be the other way around, but hey, it’s better than poor instruments and poor facilities!  Everyone there was unhappy with people in management or this and that and well, that is another life truth, people will always complain.  The worst is when you start complaining about people complaining.  I'm trying not to do it right now.  It is one of those moments when you think something and realize 'Oh my gosh that is so hypocritical' only to justify the hypocrisy because you are simply noting the negative attitude of others to the point where you actually express how others are complaining at which point everyone just looks at you like 'Seriously?' and you realize that your justification was just that.  I digress, and wrote a huge run on sentence that accurately conveys how I the rush and confusion I felt the whole time the experiment was going on.  Like the sentence, I had no idea what was coming out, it made little sense, and I over studied it.  I was so exhausted by the time I was at the beam for a day, and it was not a good exhaustion.  It was so strange because even though I had done nothing (at least physically) all day I was still so tired.  I spent a lot of time just sitting around waiting for data to come in or doing my best, with my limited capabilities, to analyze it.  In the end though we got the, “Best data ever collected on that material.”
                It was a great experience, perhaps once in a lifetime, and I am very glad to have had it.  But I was also ecstatic to go home.  It has only been since February I last saw the family and December since I have been home but still, I haven’t been this excited since coming home from my mission.

                So far we have just done family things.  I’ve eaten things twice as expensive as what I would have bought.  We played a board game.  We also went to a sidewalk chalk festival.  It was neat but most of them were incomplete.  I also a nice Sunday dinner.  Not much to say but enough nonetheless.  Very simple yet the things you love.  If I had a choice between high powered neutrons and some good nuclear family one may sound more exciting but the other brings more to your life.  


Peace, love, and perhaps happiness, though you probably had more happiness on the browser leading to this page than you had in the actual blog.  But just in case happiness levels, or peace for that matter, set off an alarm be sure to let us know and we'll deal with it.  Though it has never happened before.

'Bod got yo' Back' Syndrome

There is something about coming off a crunch time stretch that causes everything in life to suddenly become light and relaxed.  At the end of every stressful period of life I seem to get sick.  I know my health habits are not prime during these times and light sleep and stress don't help.  But at the same time there is another affect called Bod's Got your Back syndrome.

Quick background on BGB syndrome.  Every single one of us has our mind, who calls the shots, and our body which for the most part goes along.  No secret.  The cliche 'Mind over matter' acknowledges this distinction.  Rather than putting the two at odds, one over the other that is, the smarter approach is to have the mind in sync with the body.  The two recognize the other's needs and give and take.  For example some days I go out and trying to keep up my gagillion miles a minute, (A gagillion is a feeling more than a number, and it is often a lot until you actually quantify it.  Like if I ate a gagillion donuts I probably had like 3 and ripped off the corner of a fourth that looked good.) and my head just gets stuck in a fog and I feel like my eyes are going to burst and after several minutes of trying to plow through it I just go home to watch Modern Family or some other simple carb show (Quickly consumption and effect).  After that I feel fine, go work out, play games, and maybe even go back to work.  I'm not really sick but my body throws in some symptoms because it knows I need a break.  I need to take things lighter and relax by body convinces my brain it is sick so that it can partake in frivolity guilt free, and then my body lays off once the need is satisfied.  In short, 'Bod got my back'.  It would be deceptive, except the brain totally goes along with it.  It is like when you talk a teacher out of an assignment they didn't want to grade anyway.

 Anyways the last couple of days had 'Bod's got my back'... So here are the results, enjoy.

I found a dog today.  It was so much fun.  I wish I could have dog  in our apartment.  I was walking home and saw Andrew walking the other way with a dog following him. I started petting her and playing with her and before I knew it I was the only one around with a big unknown Bernese Mountain Puppy looking super happy that she finally had someone's attention.  Fortunately she had a tag and if it weren't for the shedding I probably would've kept her for most of the day, scared the owners into keeping better track of her, and maybe gotten a reward for it.  I perhaps could have staged a dognapping ransom.  If I ever become desperate I'm probably going to steal rich people's pets and ransom them back.  I figure that the cops have better things to do than track a pet thief, and the pets won't resist in most cases.  But I got a hold of the owner and the owner came and picked her up.  Such is often the case with cute girls, easy come easy go.  

Next random event.  I went to go get ice cream yesterday and as I was buying the ice cream I realized that I was too thirsty to fully appreciate the ice cream, but the cougar eat has decided that all water cups will be Styrofoam.  For those who don't know Styrofoam never degrades, ever.  I politely decline the Styrofoam, and ask for a plastic cup pointing to the ones in the back, but apparently those are reserved for donut holes and are too expensive to be handed out as water cups.  The man behind me comments, 'You must be from Portland' which incites a 'Deeeaaar!' from his wife (As if that was a bad thing).  I turn and say 'Actually, yeah.  I am from Portland'.  The husband gives a triumphant, 'See!'.  Apparently Styrofoam is toxic to relationships as well.

Finally I'll leave this post on the same way that work ended yesterday, one last random event.  As we were finishing up the last few questions in the TA lab, one student was trying to squeeze in one last question before we left.  Usually that is a little annoying but this one was worth answering.

Luke: So I think you have it, good job.   What is your name?

Nick: Nick and you?

Luke: Luke.  Well have a good rest of the night.

Nick:  Thanks.  Wait a second...  (You ready for this?  It's going to be good...)

What is your favorite Star Wars character?

Often life requires hard work and deep thought, and on the whole a life needs focus and direction.  But sometimes we just need to stop, slow down and ask ourselves who our favorite Star Wars Character is.  Peace Love and Yoda.

That whole sample thing

After a crazy week of highs and lows all I can do is exhale and recap.

The start of this week found me in such a furor that I felt unable to even think straight.  Sunday I quietly held a special fast for myself and the research project.  I needed to prepare a sample of LaCaMnO3.  Never heard of it? That's fine.  I could try to explain its use and why it is important to our research but I often bore myself in the process.  The crux of the problem though is that the sample was needed in order to conduct neutron diffraction studies at Oak Ridge National Lab in Tennessee.  No sample no experiment.

This may seem like a trivial thing in life's grand scheme.  Okay rather it is a trivial thing in life's grand scheme.  That consciousness of the tiny nature of the source of my panic made me feel ridiculous but didn't help the stress.  There are so many struggles in this life that I felt like not even a blip on the world's tragic landscape.  I felt so selfish being so upset about an inanimate chemical sample that I couldn't produce, while others flirt with human catastrophe everyday.  But my idealistic id combined with my unrelenting ego overwhelming my thoughts with such inconsequential mundane trials.  AKA I was panicked like no other

True this experiment was important for my future studies and could affect where I go to graduate school and I had put a lot of time and effort, especially recently into this work, and a handful of people were counting on me to get the work done, yet the stress was mostly selfish.  I wish I could be so stirred by the injustice of certain groups, or the plights of the poor, or the greatness of a noble cause.  But no, it was a small personal struggle that shook my soul.

Monday was awful as my stress spread from my psyche to my physical.  My stomach twisted in a knot as if I had swallowed  a razor.  I was unable to think or even rationally evaluate what steps I should take.  I figured I needed to reach out to others if I was going to the piece together the sharp contrasting bursts of my mind between what I had to do and could do into a coherent plan.  I sent out a text message to those with whom I had I talked to about the problem, or those who simply jumped out to me as caring, as I went through the contacts list.  After sending out the text positive responses trickled in.  Though I still felt like I was falling I was comforted.  Regardless of how far the fall took me there was a safety net laid out by wonderful people ready to respond to my individualistic needs.  The task was still large as but I felt prepared to take it on, even ready to fail.

My work continued forward to Wednesday when I tested a sample I had previously prepared.  I had changed up the technique and used some new equipment that I thought would make a difference.  To my chagrin the XRD (X-Ray diffraction) data came in revealing impurities.  How XRD works is that a graph is taken relating the position of a collecting instrument to the intensity collected.  Certain structures give readings at certain points so given the resulting XRD data one can determine the structure.  Imagine my disappointment when certain readings popped up which revealed a significant contamination had occurred in my sample.  I had done everything I could but still...

That night was dark for me.  I was alone on the project and in my mind as well.  I went to ward temple night but as I arrived a little ahead of schedule I opted to go alone.  I wanted to be alone.  I needed to be alone and at peace with myself regardless of what would come.  Still later that night, a few friends once again gave the lift I needed.  From my own room (Mitch's "I didn't think you would be in bed, this is awkward"), to France (Bouba's concern about me saying I wanted to run away to a Thai monastery and watch peacefully watch monkeys) people had my back.

Friday was spent trying to identify the contamination.  This simply the most recent problem among destroyed crucibles, melted furnace insulation, leaky mills, stubborn presses.  In short all phases of the chemical preparation, namely synthesizing grinding, pelletizing, identification, and cooking, had failed at one point or another, and never at the same time.  As I re-examined the pattern though, despite the obvious contamination, I felt a feeling of optimism towards this particular sample.  I don't know why.  Using database patterns I was unable to determine what was the problem though and thus helpless to fixing it.  I even made our XRD specialist come in despite her hour and a half commute.  I was desperate and, bless her heart, she was willing.  She found nothing more than I did.  I stuck the sample in the furnace and let it heat again thinking that I could continue the process and identify other problems to solve on this already tainted work.  Otherwise I had nothing else to do but start over and wait as time dwindled.  I did some practical work in the lab, went home, had dinner and then went back to campus.  On the way to campus I heard a homemade version of "Not Over You" being belted out from the third floor of Jamestown.  I went up for a quick visit with Brantly, Mike, Mitch, and Nich (Listed alphabetically).  I smiled as then sung, briefly losing myself in the moment before I headed out.  Leaving, Mitch yelled to me.  "Hey E! I feel like this will be the time, and you owe me 13 cents if it is."  I smiled and thanked him for his encouragement knowing that he had no idea what he was talking about and the chances were next to none that he would be right.  The only sample I had was contaminated and matter just doesn't disappear.

Retrieving the contaminated sample from the oven I did an XRD test.  As the results came in I watched.  At the first point of contamination I was looking for an intensity spike on the instrument, but nothing came.  I watched in disbelief as each point that had previously shown failure came through clean.  Not only that but the data coming in indicated a sample more pure and resolute than I had ever before produced.  The higher temperature (1400C as opposed to 1050C) to which it had be raised had somehow burned off of the contaminate and grown the sample particles to their appropriate size.

I had done that before but for some reason it worked.  I tried to replicate with lower quality results.  My research adviser always asks me why I think things happened.  If he does this time I will answer, "Well it's not scientific but a heckuvalot of prayer went into this batch." It really is a miracle, perhaps not as flashy as water to wine but perfectly tailored to my needs.

The timing was also for my own good as well.  A cynic might ask why it couldn't have just worked the first time.  But for every blundering error I made or equipment failure or even just when the stress started to boil over, I saw the cracks in my attempt to live a Christ like life.  Anger towards situations and even, irrationally, towards people bubbled up in mind.  As I checked the negativity, I feel like I cemented in the cracks in my character and was able to stand a little taller.  After a semester that was spent more often on cruise control than anything else, I grew in the last three weeks more than I had in the last six months.
I told a friend early in the day Friday before getting successful results that night, that I felt like the only thing to change positively in a crucible was me.  (I also said told a friend that the prayers were helping me to react well to the situation.  Wordplay is so much fun) I think the situation was allowed to go to the point where I was okay with failure and would accept whichever way the wind blew.  Not to say that things will always break that way, as I said earlier there are much greater tragedies in life that are not averted.  For some reason Heavenly Father decided to take control in this one and all I can do is be grateful for it.  That and continue to be the better person this allowed me to become.  Thanks to everyone who was there for me and until next time, Peace Love and Lanthanum Calcium Manganese Oxide.